How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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