our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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