Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
