textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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