How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
