I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
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I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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