you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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