he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
