just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
