im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
