The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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