At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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