I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
