her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
