We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
