do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
