Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
