oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Shame - the story of my life.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
