You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
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Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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