If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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