life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
