someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
