you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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