I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
