i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's always time for handjobs
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
