grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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