No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
