Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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