Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
