moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
