i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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