she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
