I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There's always time for handjobs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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