you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
