Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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