i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
