Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
