Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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