dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
