He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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