I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
