So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
you never un-have a 4some
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
