i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
BRING THE BAGELS
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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