It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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