Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize