Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
