I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
