I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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