His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
