I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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