Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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