can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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