apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
