i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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