i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
