If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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