When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
