I wish I could teleport
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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