I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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